Monday, August 6, 2012

Learn to Let Go

Mood:  Meloncholy
Music:  "Learn to Let Go" by Mark Schultz

I'm holding this picture

You drew when you were four
It was one we proudly hung 
On our refrigerator door 
I found it in the attic 
In your old dresser drawer 
By a pillow that we made you 
And a blanket that you had 
When we learned to chase the monsters 
From underneath your bed 
And I remember
How I learned how to hold you when you cried 
I learned how to let you be strong 
Learned how to calm you in the dark 
Learned how to listen with my heart 
I learned how to watch you grow 
But how will I learn to let go
And when I walk in your bedroom 
The memories that I keep 
Are bedtime stories 
And rocking you to sleep 
And as I held you 
You'd drift off to dream 
And I know it might sound crazy 
Now that you are grown 
But yesterday still feels 
Like the day we brought you home 
And I remember

June 24, 2006

     Last night,  at 7 PM we took my 19-year-old daughter to LAX to catch the 11:20 flight to Brisbane, where she will take another flight to Townsville.  She flew alone.  Why would seemingly reasonable parents send their daughter ALONE to the other side of the world for an entire year?
     This morning we left the house at 3 to get my 16-year-old son to the airport to catch the 7:10 flight to Miami, then to Jamaica. When he got to the airport,  he started helping out his group by checking in cases of Bibles.  He and another took a cartload of cases to be screened, and they were supposed to come back with the group, but the guards wouldn't let them and had them go on up to the gates.  My husband and I never got to hug him goodbye and pray with him.  We didn't even get to wave goodbye.
     Both Jax and Jimmy are on mission trips -- Jax to serve on staff for a year with YWAM and Jimmy to share the love of Jesus to the people of Jamaica through drama, drums, and personal testimony.  They are doing what we have raised them to do -- to be obedient and do whatever God asks them to do.  So why does it feel like I have a hole in my heart?
     Why does it feel like I just got kicked in the stomach whenever I pass by their empty rooms?  Why do I cry when I hear "How Great Is Our God" or anything by Joy Williams?  Then Mark Schultz's "Learn to Let Go" gets played on the radio and now I am just a blubbering idiot.
     I don't have to learn to let go -- I already know how to do that.  The problem is I DON'T WANT TO! But I know that's what I have to do -- to let go and allow God to work in their lives and in mine as we rely on Him for comfort and for peace. 
     I think of how the Father must have felt on the very first Christmas Eve, the last day Jesus was in Heaven before He left for His mission trip, one that would lead Him to His crucifixion.  The Father knew it, and He still let Him go. So I will do the same. 
UPDATE 2012:  
     Jax ended up serving in Australia for 5+ years.  She also ended up married to an Aussie (a drummer!), whom she met at Discipleship Training School back in 2005.  We LOVE him and his family!  She lives in Australia now.  
     Jimmy went on to serve on the worship team and student ministries at Whittier Area Community Church, where he met Jennifer, whom he married in 2009.  Jimmy is in the Air Force, and is stationed here in Alaska.  Jennifer safely delivered my grandson two weeks ago.  That's why I'm here.  I will once again have to let go on September 3.  It will be difficult, but it will be worth it.

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