International Day of the Disappeared 2012

Well, I done did it.  I disappeared from the face of Facebook for 18 hours.  A few people noticed.  Some of those who did -- well, they didn't really care.  After all, it's only Facebook, and there are other ways to get a hold of me.    I appreciate the efforts of some who tried to investigate, who sent me emails, who sent text messages.  But in the end, my friends knew that there had to be a reasonable explanation for my sudden disappearance from my usual stomping grounds.  And since Facebook life went on as usual for my family, people knew I'd be back eventually, and they are right.  I'm back.

Alas, around the world there are thousands who disappear everyday, and their  lives and the lives of their loved ones are turned upside down and shaken to the core, with little to no hope of ever seeing their missing loved ones again.  EVER.  Some are "enforced disappearances" of enemies of powerful people.  Others are emergency disappearances due to natural disasters. Still more are disappearances due to the ever growing demand for human "services".  More often than not, these sudden disappearances become permanent, unexplained, and unresolved.

August 30 was originally declared International Day of Enforced Disappearances to promote awareness of the increasing numbers of people missing as a result of political conflicts around the world.  Today the title has been modified to International Day of the Disappeared, to include those missing after disasters and those abducted for human trafficking purposes. The purpose remains the same:  to promote awareness of and provide support for the plights of those affected by these disappearances.

I'm back.  They're not.  Not nuff said.  Never nuff said.

Don't Let Them Win

Originally written 29 August 2010

Some people, when they hear a story or watch  a scene in a movie, or see a place that takes them back to a traumatic experience in their life, they freak out.  The first time that happened to me, I was 17. 

 I was watching an afternoon talk show with my boyfriend, and the topic was incest.  I didn’t even know what the word meant.  As I watched and listened, I was horrified as the girl on the program described similar things that had happened to me.  I ran outside and my bf followed me and asked what was wrong.  In a rush I told him what happened, how before today I thought everything was just a part of life, but after seeing the show I felt ashamed, dirty, evil, soiled.  I told him I would understand if he wanted to break up with me.  My boyfriend put his arms around me and hugged me for a long time, without saying anything.  Then I noticed he was shaking from crying. 

He then told me that what happened to the little JoAnn was horrible, unforgivable, unfair, and just wrong.  He said there was nothing to be ashamed of – that THOSE men were evil, dirty, and soiled, not the little JoAnn.  He told me it was OK to cry for the little JoAnn, to feel for her and to be angry for her, but he also said I shouldn’t let what happened then control the present and the future.  He said that Little JoAnn had no control over what happened, but THIS JoAnn can take steps to control what SHE will do with what she just learned.  Then he said something I will never forget:  “Don’t let the deeds of stupid, wicked men take away the joy of what happens between a husband and wife.  If you do, they win.  Don’t let them win.”

Then he said this wasn’t over – this 17-year-old high school senior with no psychology background said to me, “You will have days when memories will come pouring out, and you’ll wonder if they really happened.  People might deny things happened to cover their backsides.  Events will happen that will take you back to a bad place.  These things will happen, and I want you to know I will ALWAYS be there for you.  I would NEVER break up with you.”

That night, I prayed that if there were more bad memories to come, that He will give me the strength to endure them and not to go crazy.  God did better than that – He sent people my way who listened and understood, who didn’t judge but only prayed, who didn’t accuse but only hugged.  He still does that to this day.

Oh, by the way, that 17-year-old boyfriend was true to his word.  I’m still married to him.  I win.

How Do You Deal With It?

How do you deal with your mate of 60+ years who doesn't remember you or any part of the last 60 years, and wants nothing to do with you? 

Or the dad, who worked 18-hour days so he could provide a life for you that's better than the life he lived, and then one day doesn't remember his son's name?   

Or the grandpa who never forgot the day, date, and hour you were born, never failed to give an 'attaboy' and would drive four hours in the I-15 just to be at your soccer game finals, and then one night doesn't know you ever existed? 

Or the father-in-law who stood beside you and watched you negotiate the price of a Honda Civic sedan and then pats you on the back and says "I couldn'ta done a better deal.  My son was smart to give up golf." and calls you his favorite (albeit the ONLY) daughter-in-law, and then one day turns to you with a puzzled look and asks, "Are you the maid?" 

How do you deal with all that?  First you pray that he made his peace with God before all this. 

Then you remember the good times,  you talk about the old times, good and bad, and you tell your kids and grand kids and great grand kids about what a great and loving man Grandpa Red Hammer was. 

Then you start letting go, so that when the time comes, you can say goodbye to the body with the hope that his soul is resting in peace. 

We love you, Dad.  Even though you don't know us anymore, may you always know that you are loved all the rest of your days.

Learn to Let Go

Mood:  Meloncholy
Music:  "Learn to Let Go" by Mark Schultz

I'm holding this picture
You drew when you were four
It was one we proudly hung 
On our refrigerator door 
I found it in the attic 
In your old dresser drawer 
By a pillow that we made you 
And a blanket that you had 
When we learned to chase the monsters 
From underneath your bed 
And I remember
How I learned how to hold you when you cried 
I learned how to let you be strong 
Learned how to calm you in the dark 
Learned how to listen with my heart 
I learned how to watch you grow 
But how will I learn to let go
And when I walk in your bedroom 
The memories that I keep 
Are bedtime stories 
And rocking you to sleep 
And as I held you 
You'd drift off to dream 
And I know it might sound crazy 
Now that you are grown 
But yesterday still feels 
Like the day we brought you home 
And I remember

June 24, 2006

     Last night,  at 7 PM we took my 19-year-old daughter to LAX to catch the 11:20 flight to Brisbane, where she will take another flight to Townsville.  She flew alone.  Why would seemingly reasonable parents send their daughter ALONE to the other side of the world for an entire year?
     This morning we left the house at 3 to get my 16-year-old son to the airport to catch the 7:10 flight to Miami, then to Jamaica. When he got to the airport,  he started helping out his group by checking in cases of Bibles.  He and another took a cartload of cases to be screened, and they were supposed to come back with the group, but the guards wouldn't let them and had them go on up to the gates.  My husband and I never got to hug him goodbye and pray with him.  We didn't even get to wave goodbye.
     Both Jax and Jimmy are on mission trips -- Jax to serve on staff for a year with YWAM and Jimmy to share the love of Jesus to the people of Jamaica through drama, drums, and personal testimony.  They are doing what we have raised them to do -- to be obedient and do whatever God asks them to do.  So why does it feel like I have a hole in my heart?
     Why does it feel like I just got kicked in the stomach whenever I pass by their empty rooms?  Why do I cry when I hear "How Great Is Our God" or anything by Joy Williams?  Then Mark Schultz's "Learn to Let Go" gets played on the radio and now I am just a blubbering idiot.
     I don't have to learn to let go -- I already know how to do that.  The problem is I DON'T WANT TO! But I know that's what I have to do -- to let go and allow God to work in their lives and in mine as we rely on Him for comfort and for peace. 
     I think of how the Father must have felt on the very first Christmas Eve, the last day Jesus was in Heaven before He left for His mission trip, one that would lead Him to His crucifixion.  The Father knew it, and He still let Him go. So I will do the same. 
     
UPDATE 2012:  
     Jax ended up serving in Australia for 5+ years.  She also ended up married to an Aussie (a drummer!), whom she met at Discipleship Training School back in 2005.  We LOVE him and his family!  She lives in Australia now.  
     Jimmy went on to serve on the worship team and student ministries at Whittier Area Community Church, where he met Jennifer, whom he married in 2009.  Jimmy is in the Air Force, and is stationed here in Alaska.  Jennifer safely delivered my grandson two weeks ago.  That's why I'm here.  I will once again have to let go on September 3.  It will be difficult, but it will be worth it.